love

 i believe in love is true acceptance of another it doesnt have to be labeled romantic platonic these are just words it can be anything

 

to love do anything with somoene be there companionship by there side

 

i would want a twin who would love me we would share a soul a twin flame 

we share a soul and would do anyhthing for eachother

no worries love and expression fully with eachother

a sister a lover a best friend to care for eachother

is what i hope to have one day one of these days 

maybe its myself...i feel i am multiple girls...and we are all in love...but it feels so lonely

i am very ungrateful to myself, but i dont know if i can love anyone else more...i could.

life thoughts

 i am very stressed out and scared of dying too soon lately

i have bad symptoms that are like a heart attack that are making me paranoid - i have health anxiety..and im dealing with the feeling of not being on drugs after absuing them for a while..but ive just never felt like this before.. i feel very disconnected from my reality so much..i can feel the difference in my brain for sure and my physical health is so bad..but atleast i can still go on walks

the left side of my face feels weird and then my arm feels weird and yeah i can barely breathe or think. i really hope this is nothing too serious and my nervous system is wack.

my purpose of writing this is to talk about my life and what i wish to gain from it or more like...how i want to live it..my philosophy i guess

 i just want to live a happy life..carefree..helping other people too and making them happy..experiencing the world and universe in all its glory

i want to learn everything i can..i want to love everything i can love

i find everything very interesting, and i spend lots of time researching and learning about all sorts of things in the universe, earth, space, humans, nature, spirituality, history..so much of it i just love so much and i wish i could spend my life not only learning about it but also experiencing it. i want to travel. i want to meet many people

it sucks that my life feels a bit dull 

so i spend time reading and learning to make up for it

i also want to indulge in my creativity and imagination - i know daydreaming all the time takes away from the present but i find a great comfort in it and don't wish to stop...i want to soak it all in forever..

i want to play lots of games watch lots of shows and movies and read and draw and do so so much

this is my life i want to love and experience and learn and help people and share my joy with the world express myself 

live my life happily in the present and enjoy it carefree in a way that doesn't have to make sense 

i want to stay young at heart forever and be myself stay true to myself no matter what you are here on earth to enjoy your life don't let other people dictate your experience

i guess a Buddhist philosophy and hedonism or eudaimonia would fit my mindset the most? i just want a simple life in my own little world, but i want to invite others alongside me too. i feel very in harmony with everything in the world and i hope when i die it won't all be for nothing. i truly believe in peace and open mindness for all, as long as you don't spend your time hurting others..hurting animals...taking away from what life gives you...even if i like to make fun of mean people, i recognize they're people who suffer too. i only really have hate in my hate for bigots, abusers..people with no remorse at all...

rich heart

dreams emotions

weirdness perverseness 

i also love absurdism very much i love to be contradicting not make sense confusing not for a fun reason though its fun it just is how i truly feel i am life is very contradicting very odd like a dream 

i feel really, really bad :-( i don't wna tto die soon. i am only 19. i dont know if i will or not. the world is getting so scary. i don't know if its because im growing up and its always been this way, 

i hope that heaven is real 

 https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/green/

https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/happiness/

i have a very simple view on life, but i recognize all the complexities of it too and love that...i recognize things are not simple as love and hate life and death bad or good 

i just want to be me and happy

i want to live multiple lives

accept others ans respect everyones differences it is beautiful there is no such things as weird as bad it can be its own thing 

love music music is my soul music makes me who i am too i would have no life without music and music is still somethig i can feel for even during my derealization depersonalization numbness i still can feel the energy in music i believe its healing...very very healing...music makes a good half of me...

though i believe in immaterial value or material i also want to collect many things i love im a bitr of a hoparder to own it as my own is a special form of connection i believe every object has a soul all my possessions have a soul and energy just like animals nature rocks crystals so thats important to me too it also just makes me happy lol 

i want to be free like a bird flying living  in the sky and the mountains the ocean the jungle like an animal

 i am very naturalistic

i have a young mind and soul 

exploring the consciousness and many effects on it (which is what led me to drugs besides avoding the stress of reality and expectations forced onto me) i must get back into meditation , atral projecting and such.... 

the soul has many different people and parts of it the world makes up your cocniousness everyone is connected the entire worlds is connected but also sperate and we all live our own lives but we are also all one and must respect the balance of it all which is why the current stat eof the world breaks my heart so much its hard to hold onto these beliefes that i have and not succumb to total despair darkness hopelessness

i can no longer feel the feeling that nostalgia and extreme happiness gave me in my chest only pressure and numbness it hurts so bady i wsant my soul back, i want my soul back that drugs stole from me i hate them i hate zolloft i hate ssris i need my soul back i am dying nausesous and my armhurts i am dying of a heart attack i believe i will die in my sleep soon truly

 activates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). Itactivates the brain’s memory and emotional centers (hippocampus and amygdala). 

I BELIEVE MY DEATH WILL BE PEACEFUL HOPEFULLY AND MY SOUL WILL REMAIN IN THE EARTH

The song’s lyrics — which were written by a man — present the woman’s cheating as coming from necessity: “It’s only ’cause I need some affection.” Thus, she can still feel like she remains faithful to him, claiming that she’ll “never go astray.” In fact, she feels the need — out of her love and faithfulness — to “keep him protected” from finding out “the things [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][she] did.” 

I AM NOT PSYCHOTIC I AM FULLY AWARE I AM IN REALITY I AM AWARE I FEEL DISCONNECTED BUT I AM VERY SPIRTUAL AND GROUHNDED TO THE MANY REALMS THAT OUR UNIVERSE OFFERS I KNOW THERES SO MUCH MORE THAN A PURE SCIENTIFIC BASIS EVERYTHING IS MORE  

I LIVE LIFE AS A NORMAL GIRL - I IMAGINE MYSELF AS A NORMAL GIRL IN AN ANIME BUT I KNOW I AM ALSO AN ANGEL I AM A REAL ANGEL CARTOON CHARACTER AND THIS IS WHY I HAVE THESE FEELINGS STRONG THAT I CANNOT CONTAIN I WASN'T MEAN TO HAVE THEM! i have a very strong belief system that is unexplainable i am angel i was born in a sunflower field with a bright blue sky with white clouds  i can clearly imagine it its very very strong and vivid i have an extremely strong vivid imagination almost am living  there and my body is giving up on my physically -  because of the fact i have been broken in my mind noty able to live in the physical world where typing thsi right jnow i am dpeserate to release as much as my thoughts beliefs as i can because i believe in spreading knowledge and spreading myt bleiefs exprsessing  expressing myself as fully and earnestly as i can to others veen if they dont nesscarly care or anm LISTENING i know itll reach one person one person has to care and know and know me know me i have to 

i try to create art i am much much better at living in my imagination than fufilling it phydsically that is my biggest regret i wish i could express myself better i wish i could i try my best i try but my energy is so low drained it hurts to create, everythjing just hurts now it hurts a lot. i miss creating art and it does not ever get expressing nearly as well as i'd hope but i have an extremely wild vivid creative imaignation and souil i know everything in the world i know everything even if i can not put it into words this is the trait of being an angel from another nlife and world and universe the vast knowledge and feeling that you just know know so much its overwhelming and drainig on you to a point especially not being able to portray it. this is a very isllating feeling too. i fele truly unable to connect with anyone else or make friends or anything. i want i want tobe understood though knowing i will never ever be truly uinderstood. i am typing so fats i am not making clear sense ahahhaa xD

I KNOW I SOUND CRAZY AND SOMEWHAT AM BUT I AM VERY AWARE TOO! I AM NOT CRAZY! I AM JUST AWARE OF THE POSSIBLE PERCEPTION OF MY WORDS WHICH MANY WILL SCOFF AT AND NOT READ OR READ AND SAY "WOW YOU'RE CRAZY!" I AM AWARE OF THIS FULLY...PEOPLE USE THE WORLD CRAZY TI OUT DOWN OTHERS AND THEIR BELIEFS WHICH I AM FULLY AGAINST I BELIEVE IN EXPRESSION NOT THE SELF BUT NOT HARM AND SHUTTING OTHERS UP HARMING OTHERS 

I AM PROTECTED BY CHARACTERS WHO LOVE ME I FOUND IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD MADE BY OTHER PEOPLE I APPRECIATE IT THEY ARE APART OF MY SOUL ENTIRELY! I AM PROTECTED BY MY ANGEL FRIENDS AND OTHER DEITIES! I AM PROTECTED BY NATURE I AM PROTECTED BY ENERGY I AM PROTECTED BY GOD AND GODDESSES! I AM PROTECTED BY ANIMALS! I know i am protected and will CONTINUE TO BE PROTECTED EITHER HERE OR IN ANOTHER WORLD OR LIFE I WILL ALWAYS REMAIN PROTECTED BECAUSE I AM A VERY  SENSITIVE SOUL AND THIS IS SUBJECTED TO DARKNESS TOO I AM NOT IMMUNE TO DARKNESS AND "BAD" THOUGHTS FEELINGS URGES THAT ARE LOOKED DOWN UPON AND I AM SUSPECTIBLE TO OTHERS HURTING ME VERY BADLY USING ME HHURTING MY SOUIL AND BRINGING MY ENERGY DOWN DARK ERNGY NEGATIVE ENERGIES 

Aristotle asked, “what is the ultimate purpose of human existence?”. He thought that a worthwhile goal should be to pursue “that which is always desirable in itself and never for the sake of something else” (Pursuit of Happiness, 2018). 

 Higher Values:❤
The aim of human existence and education is to achieve self-realization, developing one's full potential and character through the pursuit of these eternal, ideal values. 

Idealism is

a philosophical perspective asserting that reality is fundamentally mental, spiritual, or conceptual, rather than material. It emphasizes that mind, consciousness, or ideas constitute the ultimate foundation of reality, with physical objects depending on perception for their existence. Key figures include Berkeley, Kant, and Hegel. 

dealism is

a philosophical perspective asserting that reality is fundamentally mental, spiritual, or conceptual, rather than material. It emphasizes that mind, consciousness, or ideas constitute the ultimate foundation of reality, with physical objects depending on perception for their existence. Key figures include Berkeley, Kant, and Hegel. 

 MATERIAL AND SPIRITUAL MENTAL ARE ALL CONNECTED 

Protecting yourself from negative energies during shadow work involves

grounding, setting boundaries, and using visualization to maintain emotional safety. Key practices include meditating with protective crystals (black tourmaline, amethyst), setting firm intentions, and creating a "bubble" of light, which helps

 

spiritual growth, holistic healing, and unapologetic self-expression ☮

 "RATHER than simply exhaustion, education must rediscover the role of leisure in learned discussion."

Wabi-sabi

Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Wabi-sabi

In traditional Japanese aesthetics, wabi-sabi (侘び寂び) centers on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. It is often described as the appreciation ...

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if i die soon i hope this a great blog entry to express myself i try to put ltos of thing smy brain is a very very voerwhelmjing state and it susally alwyas lieklt hsk and you know i think its good i reject very professional good layout good woridng i liike its interesting to me very but persoanlly NOT ofr me, i like a lot fojjumbled things, j know aaht it emans, others may not and thats okay if my soul and general essence is writtten into it thats what matters  

 i wish i could have played my cards right i was already dealt a sort of unlucky one hbut i tried i tried i tried i dont want it to be over for me yet..i want to try and try again.. i have no idea what is happenig to me .. or the world in theh futurte, isnt it pretty bleak? seeing all of these people commiting suicide...thje world is scary..war war war it n ever goes away..america..i klive in america, how is it like in other places? everyone si so hopeless hioperless..hold oto the hope..or just die maybe death is better maybe i can return to heaven ni know im an angel angel angel and it hurts to hbe in tyhe this world as an angel empahticx soul heart jheat hurts and thats where the pain isn directed in my heart hwere it hurts the mos tmy heart and mind ic ant think clearly anymor ei am sitll myself uji know im still myself i know i am i have to be i am stil lmyself and theb other people depsrately even if it wanted to take away from me ic an still be my real self and how iw as born i was boern like this wayu as a child i have been the same the same little girl ifight for the same little girl i have always been and i now it will get better it has to get better soon i t has to! it has to the HWOLE WORLDS we will all be better io rpay for all the lost souls people who died i rpay it will gvet better in 10 20 30 eyars hgow old will i be? i dont now when iwill die..at the biolgoiical age but i hope this remains i dontwant it dleetecd and i msut protreay this in ont  a letter too its just mcuh muc much easdietr tosay oevr text in a blog and very essy messy unconcerning im hpe it doesnt go away i need an archive i want to archive everything intb hje world i dont believe anyhting shouldbe lost to time

if i am still alive soon iwill continue tow rit ein this blog i hope you enjoy lovely haver a lovely day 

thinking of video game stuff

 IDK if i want a switch 2... or just keep using my switch...or a steam deck....or what!!!!!!!!!! it makes me end up not playing anything at all, lol!

aaaaa

 things have been pretty bad for me lately mentally and kind of irl but not really? i still have a job but im not sure for how much longer...im at work right now...they have me stuck in purgatory atm

im mainly journaling now and i went back to venting on twitter but i do miss using this and my neocities its just sort of overwhelming using all of these extra websites no one even cares about anymore...sigh...

hi

 hiiiii ii cant commit to a blog sigh

what i did today

 today i played outlast a little bit

but i  am way too scared to play it properly so i got no where it's pretty creeepy. i love horror but im real bad at playing scary games. especially if you can't fight back! O_O;

i call my friends (like i do everyday on discord)

went to whole foods + food lion 

the day is still going but now im playing Senran Kagura Reflexions and eating apple slices and i have a 

Fuddruckers®

burger 

which wasn't that good but it still was pretty good! i don't feel like attaching any images tho. i am quite overwhelmed with the amount of things i wanna do . i also want to play pokemon soulsilver and splatoon 3 on my switch sometime today. i must take a shower too. its 4 pm, and im kinda just sitting here writing and playing a sexy game....oh well...YOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!

 i wanna watch a movie today with someone i love a lot and my friends and do a lot of fun things together. 

maybe i'll try to get more done today. maybe. idk. :/ i wanna go thru myy 3ds and sort out some of the games on there too since it's homebrewed. i also need to set up an appointment to get my nails and hair done. so yeah, quite a things to do for me that are fun and some that are just for my own good like showering and getting my hair done. i really wish we had more time in the day! maybe i should get up more early instead of sleeping in all the time- that does help. i am gradually trying to feel better from my intense breakdown over how stressful life is these days. it really gets to me every day. but im trying to keep my head up

thanks 4 reading if anyone did. 

dont worry

 

IM WEARING

 

PANTIES

 

xD 

thinking black and white

 

 haha not like..not like the thinking of black and white thinking (cause i font like this too much, i have quite an open mind and i think of any possibilities and reasons)

but im thinking of that the colors BLACK and WHITE are my favorite! well  no, pink and purples my fave. but black and white is my fav color combo. its the one i connect with the most, too.

and why, you may ask..?

there are several reasons i shall list below.

 WHY I LOVE BLACK + WHITE TOGETHER

• CARTOON NETWORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• LIGHT AND DARK (very connected to that idea) + EVERYTHING AND NOTHING (white is every color value and black is the absence of color)!
• DEMONS AND ANGELS!
• YIN AND YANG! 
• HIGH CONTRAST 
• LIFE AND DEATH! 
• OLD TIMEY (THOUGH THATS MORE GREY, WHICH IS ALSO CUTE. THEIR LOVE CHILD.) 
• IT JUST LOOKS NICE TOGETHER!
• DALMATIANS!
•  PRETTY BASIC!
• IT'S ME!!!!!!!!!! MY SOUL!!!!!!!! 

 

 Take a look at this. It's a Striped Polecat "(also called the African polecat, zoril, zorille, zorilla, African muishond, striped muishond, Cape polecat, and African skunk, is a species of mammal native to sub-Saharan Africa)". it's a cool looking mustelid that i see myself in. just cause they look cool. theyre black and white.

 

like other black and white animals too.

  

 i got this from 

https://7esl.com/black-and-white-animals/.

 i identify with animals quite a lot! more than a human...i sewe myself as anything but a human, but im  also a normal human too.,..everything and nothing, just like white and black..is why i love the color combo so so much...i really do see myself as both colors! you cant have one without another ^.^ theyre like soulmates...

i really love that cartoon network chose black and white as it's logo colors. i really resonate with it due to that. the combo reminds me of that network,..my favorite in the world, and the thing isee as the most me. well. one of the things. my identity has been tied to it since forever ago now. it's very clean looking, yet also very fun. very very nice looking. thats something i like a lot...well anyways...

yeah, this is why i like the color combo! im sure i have many many more reasons i cant think of rn...it really is just very  neat...i see my soul as this color.  its like two lovers to me...or maybe twins? soulmates, as i said. intertwined,..the same yet so different!!! i've gotta make a sona thats black and white. i do have one which is Cencie,. I tend to gravitate towards this. white is kind of a nice canvas color, like a blank slate. then black is the stuff that covers the cnavas. like paper and ink. thats also a reason why i like it. hold on wait let me add that to that bullet list yeah. really reminds me of a drawing or writing or whatever. paper and pen...ink...yeah... god i really am horrid at writing. this is just what my brain sounds like. i fail to do any checking or rereading until ive alrerady submitted the damn post. i doubt much people will read this anyways. oh yeah but, i tend to see humans or atelast me as a blank slate. then i add many many colors to it, as a form of self expression + experiences + personality etc etc. this is why Cencie (shown below) is white and black , but also very colorful. beyond just the cartoon network colors cause shes a personified version of CN. yeah i rweally like the network if you couldnt tell. very obvious. shes also white because shes based on those ugly little Noods things. I will post one below too. vvvvv

  

cencie (didn't draw this) 

nood from cartoon network

 

i don't use cencie much anymore. i do miss her. i just don't feel too connected to any sona recently because of my insane depersonalization episode. ahh thats for another blog post. though i just try to take my mind off of it instead of actually focusing on it cause it makes the feelings worse. thats not what this post is about. its about the color combitnion black and white that i love so much. i really love it. i really do. i ll post some more images and leave the blog post ast all. its indescribable i. i really do love it and see myself as these coors. i think everyoine should love it. but i hate black and white thinking its not the same is it? see, i also dont see black and white as good and evil, but i do. i dont think evil is evil. dark is just things we dont underatand because you cannot see it, like the shadows, things that we cant see are inhertely scary to us (and in geenral) its  a tale as old as time.!  !!!!!!!!!!! so we call scary confusing things we don't know "evil" ahhaha its sucha  silly wordddd i love it lo vve love love love love it LOVE LVOE love it love it okkk leaving this post with soe images...i hope maybe someone also relates to me and shares my love for this color combo...writing this made my stomach hurt a bit ton.

 

 

 

MY MOUISEY

 

my mouse sona :3

hai

 dos anyone wanna play toys ?

 ......

 

..... 

hello...?

 

a-anyone....?

 .............