me

 

jI kk

 j

i wannabn die

i wanna die

im scared

everything is scary  . everything is scary . everything is so scary. everything is scary living is so so so scary and terrifying i cant do it

im so scared constantly all the time im always on edge 

Intense, daily existential dread is incredibly exhausting, but you do not have to navigate it alone. This feeling often signals an underlying anxiety or depressive loop. Grounding your mind in the present and seeking professional support can help you break this cycle and find relief.i have intense dread over being alive every sin

gle dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread ovnmmer being alive every mmmsingle dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread over being alive every single dayi have intense dread over being alive every single daNorth Carolina pastor Sean Harris retracted his violent rhetoric on Tuesday, admitting he should have chosen different words after urging fathers to punch sons for perceived gay behavior.North Carolina pastor Sean Harris retracted his violent rhetoric on Tuesday, admitting he should have chosen different words after urging fathers to punch sons for perceived gay behavior.North Carolina pastor Sean Harris retracted his violent rhetoric on Tuesday, admitting he should have chosen different words after urging fathers to punch sons for perceived gay behavior.y

ruminating on camp lazlo thoughts and why i love it so much (to the best of my ability)

 

THIS WILL SUCK VERY BAD BECAUSE I CAN'T WORD MY THOUGHTS IN A PROPER SENSE BUT I FINALLY WANTED TO MAKE A THINK PIECE ON WHY I LOVE CAMP LAZLO SO MUCH BESIDES JUST "OH ITS SO GOOD!"

 

 this is more of a personal thing than how good the show is too BTW

 

 

I guess I'll begin with how I got into it in the first place...

 

So I've always liked cartoon network shows a whole lot and felt a super special connection to the network. Especially the CN City era/2000s/whatever. even though i was born in 2006 so i didn't grow up with it, i watched a lot of cartoon reviewers as well as looking up cartoon fanart and yaoi and shizz so i knew a lot of shows that weren't airing at the time. i also always daydreamed about living with cartoon characters .. being their friends..and having them all meet each other .. so why wouldn't i love the idea of cn city where they brought that to life? :-) and all the programming during that time i really like too! i don't know why i particularity love mid to late 2000s cartoon network shows (and shows in general really i just love that time. i guess its a mix of the type of animation you see in the shows... the humor and general vibe-ness. even though a lot of them are different too. A LOT are the same and a lot are different.).

 

so anyways, thats kind of why i like cartoon network so much. literally every since i could remember. its kind of just something that stuck with me like apart of my soul. its a really inexplainable feeling, like when you listen to a song that you wanna inject into your veins. i wanna do that with 2000s cartoon network and by extension, camp lazlo. i dont feel the same way with any other network (though i love nick, disney and pbs kids stuff in my own special way too. especially pbs kids! :D). my love for cartoons is one of the only consistant thing about "me". if i could choose to live in the cartoon universe instead, i'd do it in a heartbeat...

 

sooooooooo, camp lazlo is in that era that's very brain scratching to me. i remember in 2022 was when i first started liking it in a more "fandomy" sense. i cant remember exactly watching it as a kid or caring much about it. actually, lets go luna was the only joe murray show i was super into for a time. probably because i was mainly fixated on pbs kids more than CN for a while. my favorite show up until i watched camp lazlo has been chalkzone and its still very dear to me and still my favorite nicktoon. which is why camp lazlo being my new favorite means it must have done something crazy to me @_@ and it did. not in 2022 though! i was more focused on other shows but i still appreciated camp lazlo.

 

now, in 2024 i think...i decided to do a cartoon network watchlist to get my mind off of very bad things going on in my life. cartoons are a great way for me to cope of course =^.^= thats also when i started collecting a lot of cn merch since ive always wanted to do that and i got..a lot of money..and i am very manic and mentally ill...probably wasn't the best thing to do in hindsight but i am very happy i have that stuff...anywwaaays...i watched my gym partners a monkey first and robotboy (which was a let down. MGPAM is great, it's my second favorite cartoon network show. even though people dont like it i personally find it very funny...it just didn't connect with me the same way as lazlo did). and before i started watching camp lazlo, i had this feeling that'd i'd probably go crazy for it before i even began watching. it was just the feelings it gave me, i guess. i can liken it to the feeling of first getting a crush on someone, or knowing you'll love a movie before it even begins. i feel as though it came to me in a time in my life where i really needed something to boost my spirits. it basically helped me cope , in relation to trauma and general shitty times in my life.

 

it felt like an escape from my problems and i think it was this show specifically because it checks every box in (stuff i like). i love cute animals (I LOVE that Lazlo is a monkey. i could get into why i love Lazlo so much too as everyone already knows but that needs to be a separate post.)

 

i love summer, i love friendship, i love camp settings. something about them makes me very very nostalgic and warm feeling to the point where i can vividly imagine what my happy place would be...and a summer camp would be where i'd be. i always loved campers and the idea of going camping and movies/games/shows that also had that setting. 

 

 my first happiest ever place is a field of sunflowers with a bright, blue sky and fluffy white clouds. that is actually in camp lazlo and they had a whooole episode where they had a day dedicated to sunflowers too, so its perfect for me! yay! its funny cause ive never even been camping, or been sent to a camp. another thing is that i love scouting. i used to be a girl scout and those were happy times in my life i wish i could relive. i actually got really fixated on girl scouts again in 2022. so i love any media that has that in it...like the mighty b too :) well not ANYTHING...but if its decent and cute enough. but yeah. i love little animal boys and girls, i love themes centered around friendship, childhood, peace, happiness, and especially the themes around being chaotic within structure. that's literally how i live my life and one of my biggest ideals. i love that Lazlo is an unapologetic weirdo, and so are his friends sort of. he helps them be that way and be more comfortable in themselves and having fun.

 

the show gives me really big warm fuzzy feelings and reminds me of my love for childhood and summertime.that's a big reason why i love it so much. i don't feel this way about any other show i've seen, actually. i haven't been into any other show or thing ever that quite literally fits everything i love so much. and i still don't think this is the BEST show ever. it's just what i personally love and i feel like it was sort of made for me, i guess? and it's funny i got into it relatively recently. i still can't believe its already been two years, time flies so quickly! i do have issues with the show and i hate that it downgraded in quality in the later seasons. i mainly feel very nostalgic and warm over the first two seasons. i really like the simplicity of it and felt like it should've sticked to that. it was also kinda weird from the start though.

 

all of these reasons can also apply to something i'm currently reading and love very very much too, i feel a bit similar with like I do with camp lazlo which is higurashi when they cry. although that visual novel is not very comparable to a kids cartoon, the general themes that i love are there (summer, youth, warmth, friendship, contrast between chaos/order, nature, a really nice atmosphere...) 

 

another thing is that i find almost all of the characters really easy to love and be invested in. even though none of them are written to be complex (with the exception of edward i dare say), i can spend hours thinking about them, analyzing and headcanoning them to hell and back.

 

 i especially love lazlo and edward as characters + their rival dynamic. they are quite literally the biggest fucking SHIPBAIT to me EVER. LIKE. EVER. EEEEVER. their dynamic is something i love soooo much and i know i see more in them than there was meant but i really do feel something special about those two. and guess what? i didn't even like those two as a pairing when i first got into camp lazlo! 

 

obviously...they mean so much to me as we all know. its like the show AND the characters all mean a lot to me in a very very deep way! i don't mean this in a slashy romantic way, though as you know me i'm not against that whatsoever. >3<  it's simply just easy to pair any of the characters and enjoy their dynamics together. they all have fun interactions.

 

i like how the girls are shown to be messy and mean too, despite having a neater camp and all. the message that girls are better and smarter than boys was always something i found stupid in cartoons but it kinda works here. i've seen some people call the show sexist but i couldn't see that at all? one of the things i love about camp lazlo is that none of the characters even care about gender norms (and if they do, they're lying to themself and realize that it doesn't matter later on). that message is very important to someone like me and i think it's important to show kids.

 

 

a big thing! i love the art direction too. look at these lovely paintings!

 

 

 it gives a me a huge feeling of nostalgia and comfort...familiarity... i love the usage of

  all the yellows and oranges in the show. and when its night time, i love how the moon glows and the dark greens they use. its so beautiful. the music is really cute and consistent with the theming too (besides the "spongebob" bgm). it really brings together the atmosphere of the show. its funny because for such a warm environment, camp kidney is pretty sucky. i like that lazlo still appreciates it either way and can find the best in every thing. 

 

joe murray said that the show was originally going to be a childrens book, and you can definitely tell by the art...the show i guess too. it's definitely not as "adultish" as rockos modern life and considered to be more boring, but i think thats why i like it so much too. :-) and imo its more entertaining than RML even though i like both. and Joe still stuck in funny humor here and there. i don't find Camp Lazlo the funniest of shows. i really just love it for the comfort it gives me rather than being a super well written funny show. however, i think it's one of the better cartoon network shows either way and i think it's funnier than a lot of other cartoon network shows. like, i love class of 3000 and hhpay, but they are not that funny. and thats okay! i'm the same person who found enjoyment out of Squirrel Boy, so my opinions are useless xD

 

i've compared camp lazlo to a slice of life / "cute girls doing cute things" anime. which is one of my favorite genres ever in the history of ever and has been forEVER. so thats also why it means a lot to me! i know other people dont see it like this but i personally will never NOT see the show this way. a lot of my love for Camp Lazlo does stems from my feelings of "HAUUU! WOW!!!!! THEYRE SO CUTE!!!!!! o///O" which risks the chance of people thinking i sound like a total mentally ill dumb moe blob brained weirdo (i am and i will continue to be so). i really dont know how you couldn't think they're cute..not even one of them...?!?! even though theyre mostly stinky dumb gross boys or might be boring or whatever...they're just cute little animals doing fun things and getting into mischief...it calls to my heart...!!!!!!!

 

it reminds me of this anime. NNB was one of my first fave animes that gave me similar, nostalgic warm feelings from the atmosphere..and intense feelings of love from the characters...not nearly as much as camp lazlo doe. but this is an anime thats similar. other ones i'd say are yuru camp, higurashi (again), and for some reason love live sunshine. these are based on how they personally make me feel though...and my thoughts may not make sense... 

 

off the topic of anime cause this ain't about that.

 

i could spend hours watching the camp lazlo characters do really mundane things. an aspect i wish was explored more was the boy scout thing. i wish they were shown attempting to collect badges more. but it was mentioned a few times. i don't really know what the show was trying to focus on and they seemed not to know either which is one of my gripes with it. i have absolutely no idea what they were going for, what they settled on, who they wanted to focus on. i think everyone gets a decent amount of focus and plays their parts pretty well. i wish the girls could've gotten some more but eh.

 

 i don't mind it too much, as it doesn't stop me from enjoying the show. i really wish some more world building and character development was shown too but this wasn't a show meant for that. so it left it up to me and other awesome fans to do so instead. atleast it's not like SOME shows that made the show waaay too serious after a few seasons....cough cough....i'm a girl that can apprecate any sort of plot, but i do tend to gravitate towards cartoony, episodic shows more. this is why i like chowder and flapjack and mgpam too. camp lazlo is just the most specialist one ever too me :)

 

 i salute every others fan who sees/saw the potential to write many many fanfics and thinking deep thoughts into the silly show. it's such an easy piece for me to do that with. typically i can do that with anything, but i've never had this much fun playing around with anything else i've been into.

 

 anime/visual novels make this easier for me as they have more room for deeper development since they already do that...some times...not always....sometimes it can be worse than camp lazlo, LOL. but i also think its too easy. so no anime has surpassed my love for camp lazlo, either. 

 

higurashi is getting pretty close though. it gives me somewhat of the same warm fuzzies. well, the visual novel atleast. i havent seen the anime in forever and i've yet to rewatch it,, im saving that for when i finish the visual novel! i'll write a post on Minagoroshi soon btw. I know no one is reading these and Blogger makes this shit impossible to notify others consistantly, but it's nice to get my thoughts out somewhere that isn't twitter/tumblr. i don't feel nearly as watched. anywaays,,,this is supposed to be somewhat organized. see how bad i am at writing these? i could never be a journalist or a writer like i wanted to. but this is my blog, so it's literally just my thoughts written onto the screen..and i never feel like editing it or rereading it or whatever until i finish posting it. i'll probs forget to edit it.

 

i think i might finish up this blog post since i've gotten my general urges for explaining shit out now. i really wanted to empathize that i love this show for the reason that it brings me huge comfort and nostalgia and happiness and the values align directly with my personal values. so i love it on a super duper personal feeling level. i haven't met too many fans that love it for that reason (and if you do, please please talk to me). i've used the show as a huge coping mechanism for a while now...and it's been the reason why i haven't killed myself , atleast it's played a big part in it, and it helps my depression. i really wish i could live in the universe. 

 

one day, i'll write a thing on why i love lazlo/edward (the ship. or pairing. or whatever you wanna call it. i love them in all sortsa ways.) and especially lazlo (the character)..everrryone knows i love him very much and that's his likeness has quite literally become a part of my soul/brain in the plural sense. some people would call it a soulbond? i feel like that towards the character himself. he makes me so SUPER SUPER happy!and i know people who look at my profile probably think its weird. but i know of like, five other people who also feel like their lives were changed by lazlo in a similar way. he's like a muse or a character that saved their life or just a huge source of comfort or whatever. so he's really really important to me and im glad he's important to other people too, even if it used to make me upset and jealous? >_< thinking about that doesn't matter anymore though as im much more secure in my enjoyment of this show and of things in general. im glad CL is so important to me in the long run. it saved my life and continues to do so, distracting me from terrible things and a terrible mental state. i am very grateful that joe murray decided to make it. i know i will love it for the rest of my life... it's taught me that being an outcast is okay, that weird is good. i felt this way before but it really really taught me to stay true to myself. people will think i'm weird either way, so i may as well embrace it. i really love this kind of sentiment.

 

my specific feelings can't ever be put into words how much i love this dumb show. i wish someone could just like. body swap with me and feel what i feel in my chest when i think about it and watch it. and they'd go ohhhhh....i get it now! i don't think you're so odd and annoying, after all! 

if they do think that, which is likely. 

 

 this quote from the Camp Lazlo Pitch bible sort of sums up why I love Lazlo so much btw: 

"Lazlo is a highly optimistic, high energy, ever smiling Brazilian Monkey, who is one with nature, and one with the universe."

 

 if that isn't the most mecore thing ever......totally kuki-favorite-character-favorite-show-bait....HOW THE HECK COULD YOU NOT LOVE HIM..?! it really feels like camp lazlo (and lazlo. but the show in general) is my soulmate that came into my life at the right time to help me feel super better. by extension, it's gotten me to love other things too and appreciate what i already did in a new way. i totally wish i was born at the time where i could've been there for the fandom in the 2000s though. reading up on old forums and ancient camp lazlo fujoshis and whatnot, i related a lot to them. i don't quite feel on the same wavelength as anyone in fandoms nowadays... for many a reasons .. =3= sucks! i'd love to talk about this wonderful show with nice people :( the people i have found are really great though, in the "fandom" or not. cartoon fandoms are suuuper miss these days. 

 

 

speaking of the pitch bible; I find this tidbit from the pitch bible funny because the show went against all of this XD

 

 ............

 

i think if i don't edit this and add more onto this post that i will end it by showing some of my camp lazlo collection. i have other little things too but this is most of it. i'm in the process of trying to commission a smaller, less piss-yellow colored Edward plush because i love him very very much and i think he's extremely underated and also very annoying and extremely cute.

 

anyways. here's my stuff! it's ever growing because i know theres more camp lazlo merch out there that i must find. i made it my life long goal. my future kitten children will inherit this...

 

 

 

 

yes so you know OBVIOUSLY the show very clearly makes me super happy. i hope it makes you happy too! or i hope that you enjoyed reading this and my insane camp lazlo love <3 comments are much appreciated but never required. 

 

while writing this post i listened to Use Your Heart by SWV and Pharrell - Frontin' (Official HD Video) ft. Jay-Z on loop. you should totally listen to those songs cuz they're amazing.

(⌒⌒) ♡

higurashi 2

 tsumihoroboshi was so good!! keiichi and rena are so important to me...

i liked seeing the difference between rena, keiichi and shion's madness throughout these chapters

i feel like tsumihoroboshi went a bit too easy for rena but she's a very very determined girl so i didn't have much issues with that. the ending was definitely the most defining part and this chapters so important for the whole group. i was going to reread onikakushi-hen (which is still probably my favorite) or that other console arc that answers natsumi-chans story but i want to keep my momentum with the answers arc so im on to chapter 7...i really want to meet hanyuu too, so yay~~

i think i'll just finish answers arc up and then read all those other ones. and then reread questions arc...!

i love higurashi so much the more and more i read it its taken me a few months because of how slow i am but now im like super invested so i'll probs finish it soon. then im gonna watch the anime after it being many years of not watching it

1

 i am currently reading higurashi meakashi 

i really love shion-chan so far and satoshi is soooo cute, im glad to finally see his personality~ and the dynamic between the sonozaki sisters more <3

its nice to see things from her pov because watanagashi is my favorite questions arc i think (or the first one tbh bc it left as rly big impression on me x) !!

im not too far, im on chapter 7 on meakashi

i will continue reading...no spoilers...

so far ive read all the questions arcs (obviously) and onisarashi + whatever the console arc adaptation title for that is i really enjoyed learning about natsumi too, shes very underrated and super duper cute!

i will maybe update this as i read and think more about meakashi but im not too good with making reviews or blog stuff and it hurts me to type and put my thoughts into writing lol

i like the settings outside of hinamizawa but im starting to miss it again...and i miss rena so much!!! it was a blessing to get to talk to her in the start of meakashi..shes so creepy but so cute 

 

 

fgkkdffjdkdfjkldfkjl

 i think i have a dopamine deficiency and intense anhedonia i cant enjoy eating anymore

i get happy and entertained but it feels dulled 

i have to bombard myself with several things and distractions just to not lose my mind over the fact im real... i feel not real but real at the same time 

i feel nothing from it at all, it feels like eating is nothing

i like thinking about eating but actually doing it is nothing.

i feel nothing from everything or very dulled emotions or like im faking

not really truly experiencing anything like a typical human because i am no longer a human nor do i think i ever was...

i feel like such an ungrateful brat because i have so much stuff that would make anyone else happy

but my circumstances are hard like im constantly on a thin line/ i cant function enough to be in this life, i constantly want to kill myself but im so scared . im so scared

i want to kill myself more than ever. im tired of whining of this issue and nothing to be done. no one can help me or lsiten to me. icant even put into words how i feel. its totally miserable and i feel worse cause anyone else in my positon would be happy (in my life) but my brain is broken its terrible

i really want it to end. every morning i wake up full of dread disgusting. i feel terrible. i want it to end so badly i just want it to stop i want to feel normal again so badly. nothing else matters i just want to feel better i wish i felt like i was living but i also just want this to end because life is so scary and nothing will make me revert back to the way i was 

everyone only offers empty words and promises 

i like

 i like plaing games and watching anime.

i like playing games, toys, reading, watching anime, cartoons.

i like watching a lot shows, movies anime, cartoons.

i like reading a lot.

i like reading novels

i like nonfiction, horror, and manga.

i like to read.

i like to watch anime

i like anime that is slice of life, supernatural, cute girls, comedy/slapstick

i like anime from different eras.

i like movies and shows.

i like anime and cartoons from america and canada and france

i like many animated

i like movies

i like movies with blood and killing people

i love psychological horror

i love killing movies and shows and anime and games

i like many things and having fun and enjoying and listening  

weird people and weird things

 i think my perception of weird must be totally off

well

it's more like yeah, i do have the social awareness to know whats typically out of the norm

but my thing is

people make exceptions now

other weird people are judging those for being "weirder". like anime fans judging anime fans, or selfshippers judging other self shippers, or gay people judging trans people or weirder gay people or kink infighting or fandom discourse

we are all weird to normies

why are we trying to outweird eachother? what does "weird" even mean? what is it? what is anything?!

as a kid, i think a lot of things i did and liked are considered very, very WEIRD! and i haven't changed at all. i guess that might be seen as "bad", but that's another concept that i don't understand. it's less that i don't get it and more like...i just don't care. i really don't care about social norms or fitting in...but i guesss i kinda do too due to the fact i limit myself. it's becuz im scared. its not rlly for ego purposes but im scared of being outcasted more than i already am...online no less...we are all fuckin losers, why alienate people unless theyre like really really mean and bullies and refuse to get better or are like..racist or something?! and even then, i dont think anyone deserves to be isolated like that. 

while in the middle of typing this it seems my thinkpad decided to crap out snd freeze. so glad that blogger saved what i was writing (thanks Google...) that sorta ruined my thoughts tho so i dont feel like writing the rest of this. yadda yadda everyone lacks empathy i hate online spaces and i feel extremely out of place online irl everywhere and i want to kill myself, especially seeing weird people like selfshipers tell "weirdos" to die and go away. what posers. they all probably are insecure and hate themselves deep down, so they need someone to hate on instead to make them feel better about themself.

people like that are really on my shitlist...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqhJfjbNuQg

 i hope that you're the one . . .

if not...

you are the prototype  ~ 

we'll tip toe to the sun 

 and do thangs...

i know you'll likee....

i think i'm in love........again........

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqhJfjbNuQg 

 

if i could sing, i would make a cover of this song and post it ^.^ 

i'd like to be able to sing this to someone too one day! 

love

 i believe in love is true acceptance of another it doesnt have to be labeled romantic platonic these are just words it can be anything

 

to love do anything with somoene be there companionship by there side

 

i would want a twin who would love me we would share a soul a twin flame 

we share a soul and would do anyhthing for eachother

no worries love and expression fully with eachother

a sister a lover a best friend to care for eachother

is what i hope to have one day one of these days 

maybe its myself...i feel i am multiple girls...and we are all in love...but it feels so lonely

i am very ungrateful to myself, but i dont know if i can love anyone else more...i could.